haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
