I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
