just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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