i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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