I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
