As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
