You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
