When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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