the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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