She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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