i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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