he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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