"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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