This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
