this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
