Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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