I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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