Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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