I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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