Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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