Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
