i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
