I just threw up on my dentist
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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