Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
