My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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