there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She even gives head with a lisp.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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