you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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