hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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