I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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