If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
