I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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