Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
