im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
