Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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