The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
