Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
