I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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