Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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