Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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