They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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