everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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