bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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