i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..