How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face