I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
