Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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