do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
