I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
