I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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