he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
