____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
