help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
