Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
