Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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