I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
